30 December, 2007

no. 9: parallel universe

Okay, I need to say this somewhere, so it's going here.

I went to see Juno tonight with some friends. And instead of just seeing a movie, I saw another version of my life play out on the big screen. (yes, I kind-of spoil it, so don't read too deeply if you want to be surprised by the ending of the film)

The main character, Juno, could have easily been me if I'd made different choices in my life. It was so eerie. Eerie and heartrending. I laughed, and I cried. Oh, did I cry. There were tears streaming down my face, probably equivalent with the girl on the screen by the end of the movie. I don't know... it was so strange.

And the choices she made, good and bad, gave her what she wanted/needed in the end, even if there was a "bump" along the way. And I am incredibly jealous of her for that.

I didn't think it was humanly possible for something like this to happen, because, quite frankly, I'm okay with my life, and the past is, well, the past, right? But when you're shown a collection of other options, and choices you could have made but didn't presented to you, with their outcomes, it's an entirely different story. I felt like I was being shown what could've been, and I wanted it. I wanted it badly. I think everyone carries around particular philosophies about the past being unchangeable, and how having regrets doesn't really do anyone any good because you can't run back and 'fix' things. Well, this was a total presentation of all my regrets in one place, and where they could've led me... and I wanted it. Because, in the end, she had love. She had the love I've dreamed of many a long night, the love I never had the guts to even try to get.

I cried because it was a sad movie (at the end), and because I wanted what she had, and because she ached the same way I would have ached had I been in her situation - which because of this eerie connection was all that much more tangible a possibility. The movie was so eerily similar to what could've been that I was in shock for an hour and a half afterwards. Actually, I still am. The boy she wanted, the school colours, what the boy did... spitting image. Not to mention how much of myself I saw in her... my quirky ways and sarcasm, even her father... while not spitting image, a reasonable cinematic facsimile. Had we not moved, it would have been our house and our neighbourhood too.

It all comes down to choices. And the choices I made pushed me further from where Juno ended up, and towards other avenues. Not that these avenues are bad, but that where Juno went wasn't half-bad either.

I just... I don't know. I didn't want to be presented - on the cinematic version of a silver platter no less (it's a fantastic movie) - with option g of all the choices out there, after I'd chosen to take option w. You should never be presented with a path you know full well you could've taken long enough after you cannot take it any more that it becomes tantalising. I'm going to spend the next week kicking myself for the choices I made, and the choices I just let slide by me. I could've done things so much differently from what I did. But the past is unchangeable, no matter how much I currently wish it was the contrary. And while I could take up running around in those circles of thought, it won't get me anywhere, and like Narcissus, I will slowly fade away through the obsessive effort.

But, for the time being, I am absorbed. This is not going to go away easily. Juno was option g of my life. An option I was fully presented with but decided against taking. And while, yes, it's fantastic to have done all that I've done in the option of my life that I have taken, there are large chunks of that g option that I want.

Large chunks that I want, and I don't know how to get now that I am where I am.

29 December, 2007

no. 8: the slow drag to new year's

I am procrastinating doing everything right now. It's a frosty -16C outside right now, I don't feel like moving much, and those dishes in the sink just don't look that desperate to be washed. So, I'm in my newly cleared out room (read: all the junk got moved to the basement, I haven't become a neat and tidy person), staring out my non-frosted-up window 1 out of 2 isn't bad, right? at the snow coated world.

We have had so much snow since Christmas. It is at once both delightful and annoying. Where was this precipitation when we really needed it earlier this fall? Why does it seem like every time I leave the house, I have to clear off the sidewalk/my car? Why am I the only one shoveling all this snow? And where on Earth did that green John Deere bulldozer come from that just drove down my street?

anyway, short post, I just felt like posting... a picture and a meme...

snowy alley

1. Grab the book nearest to you, page 18, line four?
" - Mon enfant, ce n'est pas parceque tu as un petit chandail neuf des Maple Leafs de Toronto, au contraire des autres, que tu vas nous faire la loi."

okay, really, it's just " - Mon enfant, ce n'est pas parceque tu " but I can't just leave it at that, it's a kid's book after all.

From Le Chandail de Hockey, Texte: Roch Carrier, Illustrations: Sheldon Cohen
The Hockey Sweater, truly, a Canadian classic, and a Christmas gift from last year.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can what do you touch?
a cd on my bookshelf: The New Orleans Social Club - Sing Me Back Home

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
That is a very good question. That I watched, I'd have to say It's a Wonderful Life.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
11:57 am. I guess I was close.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The rumble of our furnace in the basement. otherwise it's pretty silent. The snow does a great job of muffling noise.

7. When was the last time you stepped outside? What were you doing?
Probably a half-hour ago. I had to open the door for the mail man. Who knew they worked on Saturdays?

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
my flickr page.

9. What are you wearing?
light brown corduroy pants, wool socks, an acrylic v-neck sweater in a lovely mossy green and a tee from the Calgary Folk Festival.

10. Did you dream last night?
I don't know.

11. When did you last laugh?
this morning as I talked on the phone with my mother.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
green paint, two cork boards, and some pencil lines where I intend to hang other pictures.

13. Last person you talked to before you went to sleep?
my roommate

14. What do you think of this quiz?

15. What is the last film you saw?
I went through a bit of a movie binge prior to Christmas - how else does one get knitting done? I think the most recent was Love Actually. lovely.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Land, tons and tons of land, or well, more appropriately, hectares. Forest land, grassland, rolling hills, maybe some waterfront. Land that no oil and gas company will be allowed to touch. Land on which I could live, grow a garden and hunt/gather from the forest to survive if we do indeed hit peak oil and/or massive global climate change catastrophy and lose our current way of life.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know?
you... whomever you are, don't know much about me, that's for sure. I really like to support local and/or Canadian producers above all else. I guess that makes me a bit of a protectionist.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you do?
easy, cheap and totally sound renewable energy for everything... so that we wouldn't have all the problems we currently have.

19. Do you like to dance?
sometimes. Though having a partner would make it a lot more fun. Granted, I do like line dances.

20. George Bush:
Has the potential to do great harm to the entire world.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Helen. Or the name that seems to be at the forefront of my mind right now: Ginger (could one name a non-red-headed child that?) or maybe Rowan.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Evan. I like names that end in 'n.' And truly, this makes me sound far more decisive than I ever possibly could be. I would hem and haw over a couple dozen names for both boys and girls, no doubt, unable to truly pick one until I met the little'un good and proper. Names that float around include Owen, Ethan, Nathan, Tristan, Steven (note the trend!), and the two familial names I've always thought would be great: Donald and William.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
yes, yes yes yes yes! There's a part of me that's still dreaming of working for the UN... somewhere deep inside. And I do, somewhat secretly still want to apply for the iisd internships.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
"Are you sure?" Um, no. That's what I anticipate God will say when I reach the pearly gates. And I'll probably respond with "I don't know." And then I'll be told to wait outside until I've made up my mind.

The other option I can think of right now is "What the hell were you thinking?" but that seems, um... really, uh, counter-intuitive.

And, now that that's done, I guess I should figure out why my battery charger isn't working.

20 December, 2007

no. 7: decorations, knitting frenzy and last minute everything

Alright, it's been almost a month. wow, a month. I guess that's what happens when you mark papers and final exams, and have to do a mountain of sample processing, yay research! not to mention knitting. I haven't done this much knitting in quite some time, and I'm finding it difficult to a) stay motivated and b) stay seated long enough to get this last (and longest on-going) project off the needles and ready to be gifted.

Progress of late:
biggest toque ever
seriously, it's huge, I put it on, while wearing a bun and can still pull it a good 5cm away from my head on every side... but that means it SHOULD fit the person I made it for, with extra room, too!

Okay, not that it'll never end, but that I'd forgotten just how LONG scarves need to be in order to be useful... It's from the Interweave Knits holiday knitting 2007, and you can find more of my notes on it on Ravelry.

MOM'S TOQUE, improved
yes, amazing self-photography skills, I know. But it shows off the duplicate-stitched snowflake quite well, I think, and now there actually is definition around these buggers, they're not just indistinct patches of white amidst the blue any more. yay! one present 100% absolutely DONE!

*phew!* progress is exciting. Actually progress in any general sense seems to be exciting, and I have tons of that right now. I had a meeting with my supervisors yesterday, in which they came away smiling saying I had "novel" information to present, yay! Now I just have to process and statistically analyse that novel information.

And, other things to look at. My roommate and I got a tree and decorated it, I'm so pleased. I helped my family decorate theirs on the weekend, and then we got ours on Monday - I carried it home in my arms from the tree lot - and decorated it Tuesday night. It's a tiny tree, only using one string of LED lights, but it has branches, full, green and beautifully scented branches that don't hold many ornaments, but at least look pretty. Our tree became a mix of folksy wooden ornaments, crafty goodness, and a punch of coloured glass balls for variety (and to lessen the red and white theme we'd have going without them)... crochet snowflakes and red beads make for a cute but slightly monotone tree, so I'm glad we could mix it up with some other fun stuff too.

xmastree litxmastree decoratedPinnocchiox2german huntermanberliner snowmen trio

Now, if only my baking and shopping were all done...