rethinking

I don't hardly ever post here. This one will be short. I moved cities. I changed jobs. And change has happened again. August was the month things got shaken upside down. September, things are starting to settle anew, and I am left with questions. My questions are, of course, things like "Do I want to do this?" and "What am I doing here?"

So... as a result of the turmoil and my thoughts, I'm coming to some, shall we say, interesting conclusions about my career direction. Namely that the path I am currently on is likely not the one I want to stick with. It will do for the meantime. I am finding it interesting. BUT it is not making me happy. I don't feel like I am contributing in any sort of meaningful way, or using my abilities in a way that works for me. I don't know what's going to work for me, though. So part of my current strategy is to stick with this for a while and see how it goes. As my father said back in April, when I was packing to move: if it all falls apart in a year, at least I'll have had the experience. And I agree. There's too much interesting stuff going on to not want to see what happens. BUT there's also a fair bit of detachment. I haven't had time to get involved in this community. I haven't had the energy or availability to build my friendships in this city either. There is a large void, it is frustrating.

My job has gone from small cog in small clock to one of two cogs in a tiny clock. ... which is fine, except that I don't necessarily want to build an empire. My goal has never been to build someone's personal wealth and influence. (which is definitely something I'll have to look at when it comes to my own personal financial plans!) I want to build community. I don't have time to build community, and my job isn't fulfilling that desire. ... which leaves me with hardly anything at all to go on in the meantime, since I am currently without connections.

Anyway, all this thinking led me to my favourite Italian song. ... as often happens. (and one would expect no less when one understands that the lyrics include phrases like "vertigo is not a fear of falling, but a wanting to fly") I think I'm getting ready to take that leap. ... or at least I am more ready that I have been in a long time.


Anyway, my favourite Italian song: Mi Fido Di Te by Lorenzo "Jovanotti" Cherubini (with lyrics and Google translation following)

Sadly, embedding has been disabled... you will have to visit YouTube, but I promise, it is a beautiful song.


"Case di pane, riunioni di rane
vecchie che ballano nelle chadillac
muscoli d'oro, corone d'alloro
canzoni d'amore per bimbi col frack
musica seria, luce che varia
pioggia che cade, vita che scorre
cani randagi, cammelli e re magi

forse fa male eppure mi va
di stare collegato
di vivere di un fiato
di stendermi sopra al burrone
di guardare giù
la vertigine non è
paura di cadere
ma voglia di volare

mi fido di te
mi fido di te
mi fido di te
mi fido di te
io mi fido di te
ehi mi fido di te
cosa sei disposto a perdere

Lampi di luce, al collo una croce
la dea dell'amore si muove nei jeans
culi e catene, assassini per bene
la radio si accende su un pezzo funky
teste fasciate, ferite curate
l'affitto del sole si paga in anticipo prego
arcobaleno, più per meno meno

mi fido di te
mi fido di te
mi fido di te
cosa sei disposto a perdere
mi fido di te
mi fido di te
io mi fido di te
cosa sei disposto a perdere

rabbia stupore la parte l'attore
dottore che sintomi ha la felicità
evoluzione il cielo in prigione
questa non è un'esercitazione
forza e coraggio
la sete il miraggio
la luna nell'altra metà
lupi in agguato il peggio è passato

mi fido di te
mi fido di te
mi fido di te
cosa sei disposto a perdere
eh mi fido di te
mi fido di te
mi fido di te
mi fido di te
cosa sei disposto a perdere"


"Bread houses, meetings of frogs
old people dancing in chadillac
muscles gold wreaths
Love songs for children with tails
serious music, light varies
rain falls, life goes on
stray dogs, camels and wise men

maybe it hurts and yet I must
to stay connected
to live in one breath
to lie above the ravine
looking down
dizziness is not
fear of falling
but want to fly

I trust you
I trust you
I trust you
I trust you
I trust you
hey I trust you
What are you willing to lose

Flashes of light, a cross around his neck
the goddess of love moves in jeans
asses and chains, murder for good
the radio turns on a piece funky
bandaged head wounds treated
the rent is paid in advance of the sun please
rainbow, more for less less

I trust you
I trust you
I trust you
What are you willing to lose
I trust you
I trust you
I trust you
What are you willing to lose

anger surprise part actor
doctor who has symptoms happiness
evolution of the sky in prison
this is not an exercise
strength and courage
thirst the mirage
the moon in the other half
wolves lurking the worst is over

I trust you
I trust you
I trust you
What are you willing to lose
eh I trust you
I trust you
I trust you
I trust you
What are you willing to lose"

The Total Perspective Vortex

When you are put into the Vortex you are given just one momentary glimpse of the entire unimaginable infinity of creation, and somewhere in it a tiny little mark, a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot, which says, "You are here."

Oh Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy... how I love thee.

And so, with that total perspective vortex in mind, I am pressing onward. My problems are likely minuscule in the grand scheme of things. Riding high on the euphoria of Olympic dreams and sporting achievements, I kind-of forgot about my second job. Ha. Scratch that, my first job, but the non-paying one. And it's not that I forgot, it's that I pushed it aside in a surge of unprofessional vindictiveness and anger. I'd had enough. I was tired of being treated like I was invisible. Who waits four weeks for edits on a 30 page report to be happy with "remove your opinions and use simple sentences" as their only tangible editorial advice?

SO, now I have the unfortunate job of rapidly finishing up the paper(s) while also working my second paying job. ... the job I took because this first one - the one that could feasibly help me move forward in my career (had anyone actually cared enough to work with me on it after they hired me, ugh) - failed to meet its own deadlines and pay me. I know the landscape of the working world has changed dramatically over the past twenty years, but one would hope that everyone would be aware of that... to the point that they'd understand that contractors need to be treated with timely respect if their cooperation is desired.

Forget the whole business of money and paycheques, I don't like being treated like a scrap of paper meant for the recycle bin. This contract has taught me that absentee employers are bad news, that I should not enter into agreements unless there is more framework and cooperation presented at the outset, and that I should be wary of inflexible parties when making agreements, despite voicing my own legitimate concerns. So, here I sit, in debt, with a computer I bought for the purpose of fulfilling this contract and building on my professional writing abilities, a stack of non-edits to complete (ugh), a looming deadline, stress out the ears, a 30-hour a week job to pay rent (paycheques are starting to come soon!) and a very compelling desire to scream at the top of my lungs.

This is not sustainable. I have to revert to undergraduate work levels, burning the midnight oil, rushing to "class" in the morning, running off of caffeine and sugar (which is going to wreak havoc on my poor brain, ugh) and hoping I can actually pull this off, flying by the seat of my pants. ... all for an end-of-month deadline so that I can get paid the money they owed me at the end of January.

... and then what? I sure as hell won't be pursuing any further work with those particular people. Fiscal year end is going to make both my jobs moot, and I have NOTHING coming up on the horizon. I'm applying to jobs like crazy, but that doesn't mean I'll get anything, and I'm starting to panic. Do I have to re-apply for a loan from the Bank of Mom and Dad? I HATE doing that. I love buying my food for a week and spending less than $30, but I hate that I am running out of the money to do even that. How is this a life? How is this what I ended up with after graduate school? It's not like I'm failing to market myself, I'm applying for jobs all over the place, but they seem to want engineers, not biologists, or they want biologists with 10 years of experience, not 5.

I had a dream a while ago that's stuck with me because it seemed so absurd but still poignant. In the dream, I was discussing my "situation" whatever it was (dream rememberances, if they happen at all for me, are always really vague, so I don't remember the circumstances that led to this discussion), and the person I was talking to told me that instead of digging a trench that was a mile long and a foot deep, I'd done the exact opposite, creating a mile-deep foot-wide hole. It was suggested that I stop digging, because even trying to dig up wasn't going to lead me anywhere useful. That was my dream! My own subconscious is recognising that my current approach to life is not working. It's not providing me with any solutions, but at least it's telling me to stop digging my very deep, narrow hole!

Anyway, here I stand, a tiny little dot, a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot in my personal, mile-deep hole wondering what on earth I should do to get myself out of this mess. I feel like I have no time, no money, no future and no direction. I'm not sure if I'm hoping someone will throw me a rope, or if I'll eventually figure out how to make footholds and climb out of the hole myself. I just need to get moving, and stop digging. I don't think it's worth attempting to tunnel to the other side. Whatever's there is WAY too far away right now, and I'm digging blindly. If I had the benefit of the mole-machine technology, and a GPS, maybe it'd be worth an adventure down the hole, but I'd still like a map or some sort of idea what I'm tunneling in to.

Yes, I realise, all this whinging is the product of someone who's had way too much opportunity thrown her way, and being puzzled by it all. I don't feel like I've squandered what I had, instead, I feel like what I had was part of an ephemeral spring, and only recently have I realised that it was going to (and is) dry(ing) up. As a result, I am trying to figure out how best to adapt to the drought and move onward, or where the next watering hole is, and how to get there. They are, most certainly the problems of a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot, and every time I remind myself of that fact, I think of how I should be volunteering more and spending more of my time making my community better... and then the practical me-centered voice jumps up from the hole I've dug and says "wait until you have time and money to do something first!" This situation is not tenable.