Wow, I'm having a rough time of things lately. I have two jobs... and I have no money. I know I've developed a bit of a spending habit lately, but it's not outlandish (e.g. a magazine here and there, some new cosmetics, and yarn). The real problem is that I'm not getting any money in. I have been completely left out in the cold by my one employer. I never would have suspected the government to be so completely bungling about such things as meeting deadlines. Yes, I realise I SHOULD know there would be bureaucratic delays, but a 4 week delay for a 1 week turn around is unacceptable and incredibly unprofessional. As a result of the delay (and my resultant lack of inspiration to continue, and very real need for money NOW), I have landed myself another short-term job that works on a wage-basis and will thus give me a salary every two weeks... after I've worked for them enough to get back into the system. And the original project languishes as a result. I NEED to get the job done. It would be so great to get paid for my work, but I don't even feel like it's possible any more, and I still have a month left to get things done.
Everything feels so incredibly hopeless. I might as well be jobless, despite my constant working. My roommates treat me like I am jobless, and well, why not? I don't have any money, my debt is growing higher and higher, and I will not be able to pay my rent on time this month. February, of all months... the shortest one of the year, the one with so much hope for gold for Canada, and so much sunshine and glorious warmth here... it's all but empty and hollow for me, personally. Yes, I mostly have my health (though I'm fearing a potential return of bronchitis - third time's a charm maybe?), my wits, and an ability to work, but these contracts both end at the end of March and I will be left with a whole lot of nothing. Hopefully I'll be able to pay off my debt and cut up my credit card or something... probably just lock it in a box somewhere. But that's all just short-term. What I really need is a JOB. A real, live, tangible job that runs 9-5, and lasts more than three months in duration. I feel like I'm wallowing in self-pity, but I don't know what else to do. I will find something to do (i.e. a job somewhere, anything) if I can't find real work, but that doesn't solve my problems, that just lets me feed, clothe and house myself. Sure that's important. Right now it's top priority, but I really, REALLY want to feel engaged in my work and my life. I'm tired of feeling like I would rather just tune the whole thing out.
Oh, how I would kill to have a good job. And yet every time I go looking, I feel grossly inadequate. And that scares me. Here I sit, with two degrees and a decent amount of experience under my belt and I can't manage to find a $45000/year job that I qualify for. ... or that I qualify enough that it feels like I have a chance to actually get in on applications... ugh.
This was supposed to be my "free" year. I started a word of the year worksheet via Christine Kane, and the word I came up with was "free". It seems apt. 2009 was a year of finishing things and starting anew, of holding on to what I'd built for so long, of not letting go when I should have, of getting stuck in ruts, and feeling trapped at times. It was a good year all in all, and it opened my eyes a lot, but there were certainly times where I wish I'd been able to cut loose from everything and float off. So perhaps 2010 as a "free" year is a reaction a bit too far over from 2009, but we shall see. That's what these sorts of things are supposed to be like, right? Free. Free from debt, from fear of failing, from undue expectation, from frustration, disappointment...
Freedom comes in so many different ways. I'm not really sure I know what's going to happen this year, but I really want to cut away from all the raw disappointment I'm feeling lately, all the suffocating anger and frustration and resentment. I want to take a fresh breath of air on every morning and think about how I am free to decide how the day goes, how it will help me reach towards my goals and how I don't have to do things just because other people (or me, myself) expect me to, but because I should want to do them. And hey, maybe I'll even manage to free myself of some old constraints, misgivings, hesitations and encumbrances. ... and hopefully some of the extra stuff I've been hauling around but never use.
Showing posts with label fresh start. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fresh start. Show all posts
24 February, 2010
03 January, 2010
new beginnings
October to January is only four months, right? That beats 7! Maybe I can actually do this this year... or something more resembling a blog than a sporadic mind-dump.
2010... a year of potential and possibility... a year that's starting off just like grad school all over again. I am starting a new job right now (yes, it IS Sunday, but when your first deadline is the 10th and you have 30 pages of content to create, every day counts), and my new job has me working from home in my bedroom at the same desk I have been finishing my homework since I was in junior high school. The bedroom has changed, the furniture has not. I love this desk, but I don't like being an adult and working in my bedroom in the same general living configuration as being an adolescent in a family home.
There might be perks to working at home, but I assure you most of the people who espouse these perks are either living some alternate utopian lifestyle OR they have already made enough money (or their spouse/partner has) to allow them to not be share-renting a house with three other people and living such that the only available work space is the same room they sleep in. I have literally returned to my adolescence. What I wouldn't give for employment stability, steady income, respect and enough wage to afford rent in my own space, or at least a slightly less-shared space. If I could share this sort of space with two other people instead of three, or a smaller space with only one other person, I would have room to spread out, and we wouldn't all be bumping elbows.
Sunday work, although potentially joyfully productive, is mired in the difficulties of everyone staying at the house. Everyone staying at home means the couches, coffee and kitchen tables are NOT work spaces, and that there more than likely is some form of raucousness going on... which is not in itself a bad thing. But it is a completely other thing when attempts to work are interrupted by roommate mating habits. AND Sunday means that the best I can hope to achieve outside of the house is a bustling coffee shop; the libraries just aren't open, particularly immediately after the holidays. I'm not prepared for that just yet. My new laptop is still too new (protective plastic coating still on the external cover), I don't want to spill a latte on it (EVER!) and I just can't figure out the logistics of working on a paper, with supplementary resources all around me while working in a public space with small, cute, round cafe tables.
At this pace, I shall find myself back in the cavernous arts library at the University starting tomorrow. The heating works better, the hushed din of academic conspiracy drowns out random thought, and it is much easier to dive into productivity than it is in my bedroom with the stacks of laundry, unread books and dusty windowsill begging for a good cleaning. I still cannot understand how my motivation for completing this project on time (in addition to earning money) includes the perk of "I can clean once I'm finished!" Obviously I am desperate to do just about anything besides my work. ... like blogging.
Anyway, roommate resentment aside, I ought to get back to work. I just need to find myself some appropriate white noise with which to drown out the moans and giggles (yes, seriously). The work I am doing is really compelling. It's about all the things I like to discuss and learn about: ecosystems, wildlife, biodiversity, conservation, climate change, human development etc. ... and the potential impact of this particular document is much greater than anything else I have ever worked on or contributed to, even the godawful paper I've published in the Forestry Chronicle industry journal.
2010... a year of potential and possibility... a year that's starting off just like grad school all over again. I am starting a new job right now (yes, it IS Sunday, but when your first deadline is the 10th and you have 30 pages of content to create, every day counts), and my new job has me working from home in my bedroom at the same desk I have been finishing my homework since I was in junior high school. The bedroom has changed, the furniture has not. I love this desk, but I don't like being an adult and working in my bedroom in the same general living configuration as being an adolescent in a family home.
There might be perks to working at home, but I assure you most of the people who espouse these perks are either living some alternate utopian lifestyle OR they have already made enough money (or their spouse/partner has) to allow them to not be share-renting a house with three other people and living such that the only available work space is the same room they sleep in. I have literally returned to my adolescence. What I wouldn't give for employment stability, steady income, respect and enough wage to afford rent in my own space, or at least a slightly less-shared space. If I could share this sort of space with two other people instead of three, or a smaller space with only one other person, I would have room to spread out, and we wouldn't all be bumping elbows.
Sunday work, although potentially joyfully productive, is mired in the difficulties of everyone staying at the house. Everyone staying at home means the couches, coffee and kitchen tables are NOT work spaces, and that there more than likely is some form of raucousness going on... which is not in itself a bad thing. But it is a completely other thing when attempts to work are interrupted by roommate mating habits. AND Sunday means that the best I can hope to achieve outside of the house is a bustling coffee shop; the libraries just aren't open, particularly immediately after the holidays. I'm not prepared for that just yet. My new laptop is still too new (protective plastic coating still on the external cover), I don't want to spill a latte on it (EVER!) and I just can't figure out the logistics of working on a paper, with supplementary resources all around me while working in a public space with small, cute, round cafe tables.
At this pace, I shall find myself back in the cavernous arts library at the University starting tomorrow. The heating works better, the hushed din of academic conspiracy drowns out random thought, and it is much easier to dive into productivity than it is in my bedroom with the stacks of laundry, unread books and dusty windowsill begging for a good cleaning. I still cannot understand how my motivation for completing this project on time (in addition to earning money) includes the perk of "I can clean once I'm finished!" Obviously I am desperate to do just about anything besides my work. ... like blogging.
Anyway, roommate resentment aside, I ought to get back to work. I just need to find myself some appropriate white noise with which to drown out the moans and giggles (yes, seriously). The work I am doing is really compelling. It's about all the things I like to discuss and learn about: ecosystems, wildlife, biodiversity, conservation, climate change, human development etc. ... and the potential impact of this particular document is much greater than anything else I have ever worked on or contributed to, even the godawful paper I've published in the Forestry Chronicle industry journal.
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